Lately I`ve felt like I`ve taken a step backwards.
It never ceases to amaze me that something can happen in my life, the right button is pushed and I feel like I`m right back at square one. Momentarily, I feel like I`ve learnt nothing.
What am I talking about?
Well, over the last couple of days I`ve found myself walking into the pantry. Frequently. I stand there, desperately scanning for something to eat. If I`m honest, I know I`m not really hungry but I haven`t got time to stop and go into this any deeper. I`m busy, I want something to eat, and I want it now!
I grab a couple of brown rice crackers, slap some peanut butter on them and woolf them down. I go back to my work and still have that nawing feeling of wanting more. Something else. The crackers `didn`t hit the spot`.
I plough on for another half hour until the pull of the pantry has me walking in there again. Shit, all I see are more brown rice crackers. I`m starting to get annoyed now. I head for the fridge, grab some cheese and the bloody crackers again. Eeeeerrrr….. After the 3rd trip into the pantry I`m starting to feel pissed off. Why is there never anything interesting (in other words, not friggin healthy) to eat when you need it?
I want something, but I`m not sure what. I just know that I want more than a bloody rice cracker. I want something more interesting. Something that tastes good. Actually something that just tastes sweet. That straight away should have been my red flag. I know from experience that these cravings for sweetness often rear up when sweetness is lacking from my daily life.
Part of me knows what`s happening here. I`m emotional eating. There`s something niggling away inside of me, a feeling that I don`t want to address. So, I choose to look the other way and stuff that emotion down with food.
I knew what I should do. Stop and ask myself the gentle question` What is it that you really want Yvette`? Hmm, sometimes I know what I should do and I just give it the finger. And that`s what I did. I felt like saying f…. off to all the `right` stuff and rebelling(that`s another blog).
After a couple of days of this, enough was enough. That deep inner wisdom of mine, knew what I needed to do. Stop the self sabotage and be still. Those were the key words. Just stop. Be still and listen.
I asked the question again. “Yvette, what is it that you really want?” “What are you needing at the moment?” And this is what I heard. “I feel like I am drowning in work and it`s on my mind constantly. My to-do-list keeps growing and growing and I`m worried about how I`m going to do everything. The harder I work the more I feel overwhelmed. I feel guilty because I`m short with the kids and really, I just want a break!” And then comes the Aha-moment. It`s been patiently waiting for me to pay attention.
“Actually, I need some fun. Life feels far too serious.” Ahhh… got it! Fun. Yes, fun.
My favourite thing in the world, that feeling of joy and lightness that lifts the soul. That`s what I`m needing because fun is food for my soul. I`d been neglecting it in my pursuit of busyness and my love of achieving. Of getting another thing done and another thing done.
Instead, I was looking for food to feed my soul. Food to add sweetness and joy into my life for a brief moment. That`s why I keep walking into the pantry. All along my body was trying to help me. There`s always a message amongst the cravings.
So, instead of heading into the pantry again, I turn on some music…….loud. I do my silly dance around the kitchen while singing in my even sillier `pretend opera` voice. Yep, I must look an absolute idiot. Yep, I sing and dance terribly, but it makes me laugh and I enjoy the feeling of letting loose.
I`m suddenly aware that waiting until I have enough time before taking these moments, doesn`t work for me. It`ll never happen. The key is to book it in. (I know, it sounds ridiculous)! So I get out my calendar and literally schedule in small, fun breaks for each day over the next week. I make sure to include a couple of catch-ups with friends over coffee. I remind myself to buy some flowers which lift my soul everytime I look at them. I take a moment to smile and laugh at myself too.
Yes, the pantry and I became overly familiar with one another for a couple of days. But that red flag for wanting something sweet was my bodies way of giving me a shake up. Reminding me that I have a soul that needs feeding.
Not with numerous trips to the pantry. Not with chocolate or sweet food. Not ticking off everything on my to-do list.
No, it`s much simpler than that.
Fun is food for my soul.